The Boob

What do babies dream about? In my opinion, they dream about the stars, and a giant moon in the shape of a boob dripping with milk!

  In the first two months of Camille's life, I nursed her with just the boob. I honestly had no clue about breastfeeding even though I took a class on it. I am the type of person who likes to do the research after the fact. When my milk first came in, I had no idea it was supposed to hurt as much as it did, , that it was time consuming to breast feed, and the baby has no idea when it is done feeding (unless they fall asleep at the breast), that your boobs are not yours anymore, and last just how big they really get.

  On the topic of big boobs, I generally have an average size of 34 B so I am not used to having anything larger. What a pain these boobs are, and I remember crying a few times after I had Camille because I just thought these things were such an inconvenience. I thought they looked disgusting, and they were making me uncomfortable especially when I was trying to sleep. I still wonder if I will ever be normal again, and if I will be able to sleep on my stomach without milk leaking out all over the place? I also would like to literally and figuratively like to stop feeling like a cow, hooking up the utters to a machine every four hours.

 Today, I learned the purpose of these delightful body parts, besides something that feeds your baby or gives your significant other something to fool around with. They are part of being a mother in so many ways. I reflected on just how important boobs are in nurturing your baby. And to those of you out there reading my blog, I have nothing against bottle formula feeding. This is just something that I am trying to relate with the breast feeding moms out there.

  A friend of mine at work came into a situation where they became temporary foster parents to a newborn baby. I talked to my friend this week, and asked him how the baby was doing as I hadn't talked to him since my maternity leave. We came on to the subject of how him and his girlfriend had to basically get the newborn out of the habit of looking for a breast when they took custody of him.       

   My heart ached for this baby for so many reasons. I started thinking to myself, "What if I didn't breast feed?" All I could think of is that this baby had lost one of it's biggest comforts in the world. His mother first and foremost, being consoled, being held, and most of all being nurtured. How sad that this was taken away from him at such a critical point in his life. Imagine searching out for an object that was always there when you needed it, and all of the sudden its gone. I wonder if it is like losing a best friend?

  When I hold Camille this way when I was just amazed that I was continuing to give life. Not only did I carry her for almost nine months, but I am continuing to be a huge part of her growth and development. I look into these beautiful eyes when holding her, and I hear her sighs of content while feeding. She even has this look I call "the hungry face" and each time I see it I physically ache. I also emotionally ache because I want to take her hunger pains away. At this point because Camille is only just starting to interact, feeding from the breast is the only way in my head that I can physically show her that I love her. I am not quite convinced she understands what hugs and kisses are yet.

   I feel grateful that I am able to give her not only the food she needs to sustain her life, but also the comfort of letting her know with my body and soul that I am always here for her. Camille is in the phase of getting overly tired, and more often than not she will get into a crying/screaming fit that nothing I can do will calm her down. The only thing that works is putting her on the boob. It takes away her anxiety, and relaxes her to the point of sleep. I feel blessed that I am able to soothe her like this. My thoughts of inconvenience and taking too long have dissipated today.

  The breast has a new meaning for me. It is an integral part in the divine woman, giver of life. It is a necessary tool in what a mother is about. It is a very beautiful way to sacrifice a physical piece of yourself to give to a small and helpless being.