I subscribe to several organizations on Facebook that are against corporal punishment and pro positive parenting. I was absolutely stunned today to see the latest form of public shaming posted on the HINTA Facebook page (Hitting is Not The Answer). It is one of the most demoralizing photos I have ever seen and honestly downright degrading. A woman by the name of Kathy Fetterman posted a public picture on her Facebook page on November 3, 2014 of her daughter's fully shaved head and wrote "Sandra's (name changed) new haircut because she wouldn't brush it and I told her it was going to happen next time she ended up with a rats nest....hopefully this will be a lesson learned...." The picture is worth a thousand words. She looks absolutely distraught that her hair is gone. My heart sank into my chest because there are many emotional ramifications to what this parent just did.
Emotional abuse is one of those touchy subjects, and unfortunately does not get nearly as much attention as physical abuse. "Children who are constantly ignored, shamed, terrorized or humiliated suffer at least as much, if not more, than if they are physically assaulted." (Danya Glaser 2002).The American Humane Association defines on their website the following on emotional abuse: "Emotional abuse of a child is commonly defined as a pattern of behavior by parents or caregivers that can seriously interfere with a child’s cognitive, emotional, psychological or social development. Emotional abuse of a child — also referred to as psychological maltreatment — can include: Verbally assaulting. This involves constantly belittling, shaming, ridiculing or verbally threatening the child. Terrorizing. Here, the parent or caregiver threatens or bullies the child and creates a climate of fear for the child. Terrorizing can include placing the child or the child’s loved one (such as a sibling, pet or toy) in a dangerous or chaotic situation, or placing rigid or unrealistic expectations on the child with threats of harm if they are not met."
Clearly, public shaming of a child fits the mold for emotional abuse, so why are we doing it? Well, most times the reason why a child is being emotionally abused is because the parents had it done to them. It's a never ending cycle. But the other question, is why have people taken to the internet to publically bully their children? A blogger by the name of Gladstone on www.cracked.com, is also outraged by this practice. In his article titled 3 Reasons You Shouldn't Shame Your Kids on the Internet, he writes, "These public shaming's are nothing more than the attempt of embarrassed parents to wash their hands of their children." And to go along with this sentiment, these parents probably have not tried to find a constructive way to talk to their children. Instead of trying a different parenting tactic, they do something emotionally debilitating and drastic. For example, instead of shaving off the poor little girl's hair, it would have constructive for the mother and daughter pair to have found more manageable hair styles together. But it seems the parents have completely neglected their own parental duties by simply refusing to communicate directly with their children in a positive manner.
There are several negative results to this type of parenting and punishment. The first consequence is the child no longer trusts the parent. I cannot begin to stress how valuable this is, especially in the teenage years. When the child is depressed, anxious, suicidal, contemplating or using drugs, they may not seek help from you or anyone else. A child also looks to their parents as the one and only people who protect them from harm. In an article by Karyl McBride Ph.D posted on www.psychologytoday.com, titled Shaming Children is Emotional Abuse, she writes "Shaming and humiliating children is emotionally abusive. It is not ok to smack children physically or with words. Young people deserve and are entitled to reach out, attach and bond with their caretakers. It is an expectation that the parent will provide safety, protection, acceptance, understanding and empathy. When this does happen, children grow up knowing their worth and demanding respect from others and themselves."
So how about additional bullying when the child attends school and the kids are making fun of him or her because of that humiliating picture the parents posted on the internet? And if the child already has a low self esteem or if even they did not, this action either way, is automatically going to sink their self worth. This also teaches the child it is ok to be threatening and vindictive when they do not get their way. It also teaches them its acceptable to embarrass someone if they are not obedient. We are parenting by example right? And the more unfortunate effects of the humiliation come later on when the child is now an adult. Karyle McBride Ph.D also illustrates how this is detrimental in the later years. "When we talk about disrespectful children, we must look at parenting. Solid parenting shows children respect and empathy [.... ....]However, when children are shamed, humiliated and then silenced, it represses the harm that may re-surface later in life. If this happens, it can be in the form of self-destruction or cruelty to others." Several articles on emotional abuse claim the children will then go on to repeating the same patterns of emotional abuse. And lastly, the relationship in the adult years with the parents may be minimal at best. Children lose respect for parents who have emotionally abused them.
One of the questions in my mind that has been proposed by others who follow me are "Can parents get in trouble for emotionally abusing children? It appears that very to little to almost nothing can be done to stop emotional abuse by authorities. Since emotional abuse does not leave physical marks, it is difficult to prove. In an article by Susan Heitler Ph.D from www.psychologytoday.com titled Verbal Abuse of Children: What Can You Do About It? She explains just how nearly impossible it is to punish these parents. "State protective services are empowered to mobilize when they see visible marks of physical abuse on children's bodies. When the abuse damages instead a child's soul, eroding self-esteem and fostering hatred and fear, protective services generally has no jurisdiction. How totally inadequate are the responses that we as individuals and as a society seem to be able to offer these children!" Heitler also suggests speaking with the parents about the verbal abuse. "Parents who abuse their children tend to be low in insight, and to run from any form of treatment that assumes that insight will be helpful."
Some of the warning signs of emotional abuse according to the American Humane Society are the following:
In regards to the poor little girl above, I am truly heartbroken and devastated for her , as this is the worst form of public shaming I have seen. Some of the comments by the girl's mother, friends and family were truly ignorant. Ms. Fetterman, and another commenter states "She likes it". Really?? The picture I witnessed on HINTA's Facebook page did not look like someone who likes this haircut (it has since been taken down). Another commenter stated the little girl could be someone honoring cancer patients. I highly doubt a cancer patient would chose to lose their hair, let alone want their parents to shave it off for them as a punishment. And Ms. Fetterman stated she even "alerted the school" to what she did so her daughter wouldn't have to face humiliation. Hopefully this mother just told on herself. And as far as FaceBook reporting, its a darn joke. I reported this photo (along with a ton of other people who found it disgusting) under the category of humiliating. Apparently Facebook does not believe children have rights and have found nothing wrong with this photo. Fetterman finally decided to make her FaceBook page private.
My conclusion on shamers: The shamer is also shaming themselves. It shows a lack of control and poor empathetic skills. And its BAD parenting all the way around. So before you click post, consider the short and long term impact. Parenting is teaching, and take every opportunity to make it positive!
